Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Female Masturbation

This includes techniques, ways, random facts, and is mostly useful for women but dudes if you want to get an edge or understand what the fuck is going on then you can read this too.

The following is a rather random conversation I have SEVERELY edited so that it might make sense.

Masturbation for women is like the simple most complicated fucking thing on the planet I hate it so much it's so much time and effort and work and it's so weird.
It took me like 4 months to figure it out.

Scientific version.
Simplified version.

The clitoris, or clit, is actually an extension of the g-spot and is literally only for sexual pleasure. That's all it's for. Nothing else is like it. Except beans, in the sense of it looks like a bean. Supposedly.
Pee comes out of the urethra.
Blood and babies come on of the vagina.
The labia are the flaps that supposedly make it look like a flower or something? I don't see the resemblance...
Perineum is the skin between the vagina and the anus.
Poop comes out the anus.
Everyone has an anus.
I hope.

Fingering: While some women can get off from just vaginal stimulation, that's only roughly 5% of the population.
Most of the fun is in the clit. Experiment, find out what you like. Circles, rubbing, thrusting fingers against it, flicking it, whatever.
Flicking it is probably why it's called flicking the bean.
I assume.
Unless masturbation used to be shoving beans in your vagina.
Ask an old person.
Strum it like a harp. A lady harp. I dunno, find what works for you.
Unfortunately, there's no set guide for this stuff. I wish I could tell you to just go Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start but it's unlikely that'll work. Hey, give it a shot!
During all masturbation techniques some people enjoy thrusting like in sex. Move your hips and shit, if it helps you. Circles or figure eights, really, make sense to me, but whatever.
If you do decide to poke around in there and try to find the g-spot, use some sort of lube: spit, water, actual lube, whatever.

Bath time: When I say women masturbate using a shower head, I don't mean the metal part goes in the vagina.
That would be ridiculous.
...Says the person writing a sex blog.
Removable shower heads are good because you can stand up, lean against a wall, if long enough even lie down, whatever, and spray it at your genitals. Whoop. Usually the clit, anywhere around there, whatever feels good to you.
The bath tub faucet also works, if you lay on your back with your legs either spread against the wall or butterfly position against the wall
or whatever, but with your genitals under the faucet.
For some reason, water works. But check to make sure it's not too hot or high-pressured first. That would be bad.

I'm broke and live at home.
So beats me.
Vibrators are fun, dildos seem... weird.
Some people use electric tooth brushes, but it seems noisy and unpleasant.
It's a myth vibrations or much masturbation desensitizes the clit.

Boobs: Nipples are sensitive.
The smaller the boobs the more sensitive they are.
Have fun playing with boobs.
Roll around the nipples with fingers. Massage them.
It can help if you like it.
And then there's supposedly other erotic zones but I don't know if that really works unless its someone else. Kinda like tickling.

Tips: Try to make sure you have privacy because getting walked in on is kinda bad.
Don't ever put anything sugary in your vagina. Or soapy, it has it's own shit to wash it out.
If you touch the anus don't go up or continue like mixing poop germs with vagina germs is a bad idea.
It doesn't have to be just for the sake of orgasms.
Sometimes the journey is fun.
Especially if you can't finish.
Some people enjoy fanfiction, porn, reading material, whatever, to get them in the mood. Go crazy, I guess.

And now, for your personal enjoyment, an exerpt of the actual conversation late at night and weird and unedited.

Me: first off you gotta be certain no ones gonna walk in cuz thats weird
Her: oh god
Me: second off you gotta be aroused like sometimes its like "i was aroused earlier or i know i will be later or its been a shit day endorphins would help" or whatever well that doesnt work with fingers it surprisingly works with rushing water its fantastic
like fuck you i cant sleep and its been a bad day im gonna make love to my shower and its gonna put me in the mood
Her: goddammit why am i stuck with a shitty shower
Me: okay so back to fingers
do you understand basic anatomy down there
bcuz i sure as hell dont
the internet made it worse
theres a bean shaped thingy pee comes out of
i assume this is the clit
Her:  yeah i think so
wait nope you don't pee out of there that's the urethra
Me: or around that area anyway
im bad at the words
Her: are you going to send me pictures of vaginas?
Me: yes
yes i am
for real though sorry like it bothers me bcuz guys like the damn thing protrudes its easy to figure out
meanwhile we have a crevice
a pleasure crevice
where very little pleasure occurs
it bothers me so i spread the info
Me: *see above diagram*
Her: oh god it like gapes open
Me: i want a politician to look at these images and tell me theyre not tempted to turn gay
Her: mm good plan
Me: *other diagram* okay heres a simplified version
so the thingy at the top
is the clit
Her: yup
Me: so the pee hole is below that
and then there's the vagina
and then theres flaps all around it called the labia or whatever
totally acing med school
so the clit is the area to focus

Moral of the story: Masturbation is hard and weird, and people should never talk to me.

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